Hampton Roads Special Education Parent Support Group
"You are not alone"
Blog Post New Entry
In Honor of Autism Awareness Month
|
|
Dealing with Anger and the System by Robert Naseef, Ph.D.
Alternative Choices, 319 Vine Street, Unit#110, Philadelphia , PA 19106 215-592-1333
RNaseef@alternative choices.com
How do you get rid of or channel the huge amount of anger you feel when you have to fight the "system" to get the services that your child needs? A mother of a child with special needs reached out to me saying that she felt like she could explode. "I get so drained and discouraged at all the fighting you must do to give your child what he deserves. It just isn't fair!"
It sure isn't fair. You have plenty to be angry about. Human hardship is not distributed equally, as Rabbi Harold Kushner wrote in When Bad Things Happen to Good People. I often recommend this little but profound book to the parents of children with special needs. Rabbi Kushner himself lost a child to a rare disease and knows all too well the struggles of parents. I remember how angry I was when my son was young. I had a hard time accepting that he would need special services for the rest of his life. I walked around with a chip on my shoulder - ready to rage and ready to cry.
If the universe is unfair, it sometimes seems reasonable to become embittered and chronically angry. But most parents don't want to go through life this way, so a new sense of what is fair is needed. Kushner speaks to this ages-old question about justice that appeared in the Bible. He reminds us that "Anguish and heartbreak may not be distributed evenly throughout the world, but they are distributed very widely. "
Sometimes even the children who are the closest to "normal" but still needing specialized services and programs can be very challenging. Certainly many of us have felt "drained and discouraged at all the fighting you must do to give your child what he deserves." It may help you to think about what other feelings you may have besides the anger. Fear? Sorrow? Worry? Guilt?
Anger evokes intense thoughts, feelings, and impulses. It often arises with the thought, "Why me? Why did this have to happen to me?" Losing something precious hurts and seems unfair. Parents want someone or something to blame. It might be themselves, each other, the doctor, toxic waste, vaccines, or the local school district.
Parents need loved ones and friends to allow them to experience anger, to cry, and sometimes even scream. Indeed what has happened is terribly painful. Trying to be patient by avoiding the pain only prolongs it. You can learn to watch your angry thoughts, feelings, impulses, and sensations and not what they tell you to do.
Parents are trying to make sense out of what has happened - "If we are decent people, how could this happen to us?" Why do we have to push and fight for what seems only fair? Services for children with disabilities while federally mandated have never been fully funded. "The squeaky wheel gets the grease." Parents routinely have to assert their child's rights to their "free and appropriate education." Unfortunately this tends to reinforce the anger and fan its flames. People often become convinced that anger is necessary.
If you believe that the universe is fundamentally unfair, you will remain chronically angry and embittered - walking around "with a chip on your shoulder." On the other hand, many parents have been able to use their anger initially to activate and energize themselves in the struggle to get the best possible services and education for their child's special needs. In this way parents can actually make the world behave more fairly toward their child.
It is possible and desirable to let go of the anger while staying active and assertive in the process.
The assertive parent thinks and acts in ways that back up the child's legitimate rights. An assertive parent can calmly and clearly express strong thoughts and feelings without putting down the thoughts and feelings of others. The assertive parent is both respectful and self-confident while requesting the services his or her child needs. Keeping in mind the inherent problem of the inadequately funded system of services is a key to defusing anger which often arises.
While these are general considerations, I strongly recommend that parents channel energy into organizations which advocate such as the Autism Society of America, or the ARC, or United Cerebral Palsy, etc. Connecting with other parents and professionals who are dedicated to getting the services our children need and deserve can be heart-warming and effective. Another choice is to channel energy into an advocacy organization that helps other families. Sometimes the best way to help yourself is to join in helping others.
In summary anger is part of the hurt. Gaining perspective and learning how to be assertive helps to heal the heartbreak. It takes time and support. If nothing else, our special children teach us patience - with them, with ourselves, and with the world around us.
Alternative Choices, 319 Vine Street, Unit#110, Philadelphia , PA 19106 215-592-1333
RNaseef@alternative choices.com
How do you get rid of or channel the huge amount of anger you feel when you have to fight the "system" to get the services that your child needs? A mother of a child with special needs reached out to me saying that she felt like she could explode. "I get so drained and discouraged at all the fighting you must do to give your child what he deserves. It just isn't fair!"
It sure isn't fair. You have plenty to be angry about. Human hardship is not distributed equally, as Rabbi Harold Kushner wrote in When Bad Things Happen to Good People. I often recommend this little but profound book to the parents of children with special needs. Rabbi Kushner himself lost a child to a rare disease and knows all too well the struggles of parents. I remember how angry I was when my son was young. I had a hard time accepting that he would need special services for the rest of his life. I walked around with a chip on my shoulder - ready to rage and ready to cry.
If the universe is unfair, it sometimes seems reasonable to become embittered and chronically angry. But most parents don't want to go through life this way, so a new sense of what is fair is needed. Kushner speaks to this ages-old question about justice that appeared in the Bible. He reminds us that "Anguish and heartbreak may not be distributed evenly throughout the world, but they are distributed very widely. "
Sometimes even the children who are the closest to "normal" but still needing specialized services and programs can be very challenging. Certainly many of us have felt "drained and discouraged at all the fighting you must do to give your child what he deserves." It may help you to think about what other feelings you may have besides the anger. Fear? Sorrow? Worry? Guilt?
Anger evokes intense thoughts, feelings, and impulses. It often arises with the thought, "Why me? Why did this have to happen to me?" Losing something precious hurts and seems unfair. Parents want someone or something to blame. It might be themselves, each other, the doctor, toxic waste, vaccines, or the local school district.
Parents need loved ones and friends to allow them to experience anger, to cry, and sometimes even scream. Indeed what has happened is terribly painful. Trying to be patient by avoiding the pain only prolongs it. You can learn to watch your angry thoughts, feelings, impulses, and sensations and not what they tell you to do.
Parents are trying to make sense out of what has happened - "If we are decent people, how could this happen to us?" Why do we have to push and fight for what seems only fair? Services for children with disabilities while federally mandated have never been fully funded. "The squeaky wheel gets the grease." Parents routinely have to assert their child's rights to their "free and appropriate education." Unfortunately this tends to reinforce the anger and fan its flames. People often become convinced that anger is necessary.
If you believe that the universe is fundamentally unfair, you will remain chronically angry and embittered - walking around "with a chip on your shoulder." On the other hand, many parents have been able to use their anger initially to activate and energize themselves in the struggle to get the best possible services and education for their child's special needs. In this way parents can actually make the world behave more fairly toward their child.
It is possible and desirable to let go of the anger while staying active and assertive in the process.
The assertive parent thinks and acts in ways that back up the child's legitimate rights. An assertive parent can calmly and clearly express strong thoughts and feelings without putting down the thoughts and feelings of others. The assertive parent is both respectful and self-confident while requesting the services his or her child needs. Keeping in mind the inherent problem of the inadequately funded system of services is a key to defusing anger which often arises.
While these are general considerations, I strongly recommend that parents channel energy into organizations which advocate such as the Autism Society of America, or the ARC, or United Cerebral Palsy, etc. Connecting with other parents and professionals who are dedicated to getting the services our children need and deserve can be heart-warming and effective. Another choice is to channel energy into an advocacy organization that helps other families. Sometimes the best way to help yourself is to join in helping others.
In summary anger is part of the hurt. Gaining perspective and learning how to be assertive helps to heal the heartbreak. It takes time and support. If nothing else, our special children teach us patience - with them, with ourselves, and with the world around us.
Categories: Being Empowered!
Post a Comment
Oops!
The words you entered did not match the given text. Please try again.
2 Comments
I the proud parent od a 7 year autistic daughter. I have faced may unfair obstacles regarding her school services and understand the anger that a parent can feel while seeking NEEDED services for their child. I often offer assistance to parents who are shopping with their disabled child or trying to have dinner out with their family while others around them can not understand while the child with autism does not be quiet or why they are inpatient about their meal being delayed! A kind word from a parent is also a way of helping other''s. Many parents appreciate a smile or a nod of approval. Most of all do not ignore the child with the disability, let a parent know you see them and just not the disability but the child as a person capable of love and affection! Offer approval!
4mychild wrote: "I often offer assistance to parents who are shopping with their disabled child"
We are looking for volunteers to help parents new to the system. WOuld you be interested?
We are looking for volunteers to help parents new to the system. WOuld you be interested?
Categories
Recent Blog Entries
by anonymous
by anonymous
by anonymous
by anonymous
Featured Products
No featured products.
Upcoming Events
No upcoming events
Oops!
Oops, you forgot something.